23 . 04 . 2013
Season 3: Episode 5
David was ambushed. With no way out he found himself receiving a hug not by one but three women at the same time. Although he was seeking romance, the idea of actually getting close enough to a female to smell what they had for lunch seemed to paralyze him.
It only seemed fitting to end the school year with a MEGA-HUG. Unlike the MEGAZORD from Power Rangers, the MEGA-HUG didn’t require any robotic dinosaurs to assist them.
Now you have to understand that Mr. David Taylor is a man of contrivance, always thinking of the future you might say. At that precise moment, in the midst of the lovey-dovey, the long awaited spark he was longing for finally ignited.
After semesters of gross inequality among students of Brigham Young University a champion for the people had to rise up. How can an institution justify the vast wage inequality among undergrads? Nearly all the so called “starving students” held no college degree or significant work experience, yet a small minority were being paid double that of their fellow classmates.
“Unless they show us a degree, I say we demand equal wages for all!” declared David in the midst of the 4-way hug.
The three potential recruits took a step back, Melanie was giving David a look of disgust.
“Socialism”, said David, “have you opened your eyes lately?”
“What?” the three of them said in unison.
David now found himself standing on the counter, “All I’m saying is that we’re getting paid $7.25 while our roommates are making $13.50 at the same institution! It’s not like they’re any more qualified or have skills that surpass ours to the point of justifying these enormous paychecks their getting every two weeks.”
Change had now become a necessity. Thousands of hipsters were suffering, unable to buy their skinny jeans to attract potential mates to continue the counter-culture thrift-shopping lifestyle so heavily endorsed by Ryan Lewis.
After some clearing of the throat David continued his speech, “Can you honestly tell me what stressful job environment a security guard or secretary goes through that would magically give them a 50% pay increase? Does that sound like a starving student to you, someone who makes twice what you make? I say we start a revolution!”
Customers were beginning to take notice. Some of the freshmen were beginning to mumble amongst themselves, as typical freshmen do. The space around David now seemed strangely silent.
After what seemed like 12 seconds,( or 20 seconds for those of you who follow a different planetary time measurement system which one can only assume exists somewhere in the deep depths of the internet) The ladies subtly changed the discussion to Ryan Gosling.
“Didn’t you love him in Lars and the Real Girl?” Kyrsti said.
“Yeah, but I thought he was much cuter in Remember The Titans” said Melanie.
“NOOO, he’s such a baby in that movie…really?” remarked Kyrsti.
“Mmmmhhmm” grunted Melanie.
“I can’t wait to see The Place Beyond the Pines, I kinda have a thing for men with tattoos,” came a voice out of nowhere.
“Agnes!, that’s terrible, not that we’re judging you, but don’t you think he looks a little trashy?” remarked Kyrsti.
“Not to mention the tattoos in that film look like they were sharpied in, stupid pretty boy, probably couldn’t endure the pain of getting a real tattoo,” said Melanie.
And then they all laughed as David watched his dream of a Socialist Starving Student Revolution crushed by the laughter of the oppressed.
End of Season 3. Special thanks to Kyrsti, Melanie, and Alex. Arnold!! Whatever that means.